Independence Day Getaway in Atlantic City Part 1

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We got on the road ridiculously early to beat the holiday traffic. It may have been the quickest drive down to A.C ever. Here’s the kicker: duh Jay, most hotels don’t let you check into your room at 8:45 AM!

Once we arrived at Harrah’s we had some time to burn, so our trip kicked off with me waiting about an hour for a couple of schmucks to finish playing the new 1966 Batman TV Series slot machines so I can jump on. I swear they bet the minimum on each spin and they just…kept…winning.

Batman 1966 Slot Machines at Harrah's in Atlantic City, NJ

Nearly an hour later, one of them finally decided to cash out, so I sat down at the open seat instantaneously. Playing the game was pretty meaningless to me since I don’t get any thrill from gambling, I just wanted to be in the machine’s presence and see all the neat little bonus games that it offered. The middle video screen displayed the colorful animated style graphics of the opening intro of the show and occasionally showed the Batsignal followed by the Dynamic Duo racing to the scene in the Batmobile. The slot screens offered footage from the actual show when you hit a bonus. Each seat had a spinning wheel with the classic Batman rogues gallery too. The game is a lot of fun and feels like a big deal, especially for hardcore fans of the 1966 Batman TV Series, like me.

After battling some traffic, Matt from Dinosaur Dracula and Miss X joined us a little later and the first order of business was to make this trip feel like a traditional Jersey Shore summer getaway. We headed over to the Steel Pier on the boardwalk. Once known for their diving horses, now they just fling screaming teenagers around in slingshot rides and blast generic cover versions of ’80s hair metal tunes. Can’t blame them for not wanting to be liable for paying royalties to the Crue.

Flying Dutchman Art, Steel Pier, Atlantic City, NJ

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Although it only takes up a small pier of the AC Boardwalk, the Steel Pier still has some cool stuff to look at. First, I was mesmerized by the artwork on the Flying Dutchman, a swinging pirate ship ride. Carnival and amusement park rides usually have a very unique flavor of art on them that I can admire forever. I found the art on this ride to be awesome looking, so I drooled for a little while until I stumbled onto something even more tremendous.

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As Matt mentions in his recap, I was astounded to see the Dinosaur Beach signage hidden behind a bench. I pulled him over to check it out because he brings up Dino Beach in conversation probably once a week. You know how some people left their heart in San Francisco? Matt left his heart at Dinosaur Beach in Wildwood, NJ. Collectively, we must’ve snapped about 36,459 photos of nearly 20 year old signage with a Denver looking Dinosaur mascot painted on them. Annie Liebovitz makes the big bucks as a photographer, but after all those photos we took, money can’t buy that feeling of going home knowing our lives are complete thanks to the opportunity to memorialize remnants of the ’90s mecca, Dinosaur Beach.

So, who’s down for some drinks and some chips, salsa, and queso dip at the Landshark Bar & Grill? ME. As a kid it was Fla-Vor-Ice and WWE Ice Cream bars, now it’s Tequila and Mexican food- what a transition! I wasn’t even drunk at that point and I can say that they have some of the best salsa and queso dip I’ve ever had. The salsa especially tasted so fresh and flavorful. I’m not saying to go out of your way to get there, more just like GO THERE NOW. They also have some crazy concoctions to imbibe. Miss Sexy Armpit went with “Tranquil Waters” which was Cruzan Mango Rum and Blue Curacao mixed with pineapple juice and mango. Good, but too sweet for me.

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It was about that time to see what treasures awaited us in the shitty stores up and down the boardwalk. This was a special occasion that took us away from the usual flea market trip so we made due with the schlockfest of stores that pop up literally every 2 feet on the boardwalk. Most of these stores sell the same junk, but once in a blue moon you’ll get lucky and find an assload of vintage toys, air fresheners, and night lights like we did when we struck gold on our New Year’s Day 2014 99 cent store invasion.

The junk wasn’t quite as bountiful as that time, but I still have a lot to show you. Just to give you an idea of the type of stuff we ran into, take a look at these pineapple water bottles and Garfield doorknob hangers. Plus, there’s no better time than now to stock up on large Star Wars Episode I prints just in time for Force Awakens, 16 years later! I spotted these pictures still in their original (torn up) cellophane sheets laying at the bottom of a shelf that was in total disarray. Selling at their original price of $10 bucks, passing on the them wasn’t difficult. I still love you Natalie Portman, just not enough to drop a Hamilton on your old cardboard picture.

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Perhaps there’s nothing more amusing than this bootleg Care Bear a.k.a Champ Skipper. Keep in mind that EVEN HE IS FALL…the damn thing can get back up and start skipping again, yes I realize that doesn’t make sense, but the manufacturers didn’t seem to care either. It’s “battery operator” too. There’s no way that Google translate existed in the early ’80s, right? Just making sure.

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This Lizzie McGuire jigsaw puzzle impacted me much more than it would’ve any other normal human being. I’ve never had any qualms about admitting that I was obsessed with this show when it first came on and ever since then I watched so many silly shows on Disney Channel. This one in particular started that trend for me. One of the main reasons for it’s appeal was the fact that it had the flavor of a few shows and movies I loved as a kid. Savage Steve Holland also directed 9 episodes and Lewis Skolnick plays Lizzie’s dad! Anyway, since I’m living somewhere in the past, it should’ve shocked me more to see this puzzle because this was originally on sale approximately 13 years ago.

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The sights were amusing, but nothing was screaming BUY ME until I heard Matt yell over to me from the back of store. “You’ve got to see these old AC stickers.” I jolted over to check out his discovery. Sure enough, there was a basket of old Atlantic City touristy stickers, and I mean really old. These bad boys were two for a dollar. I also picked up the larger ones show in the photo. Thanks to Matt for finding me stickers of my favorite venue ever and adding to my collection of Jersey junk.

Electric sex may have gleamed in the window in A Christmas Story, but its surge blinds you once you walk into the back of all the dingy dollar stores on the Atlantic City boardwalk.

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TITARONI. Who doesn’t love ronis and tits? Of course I’d find these in New Jersey, half of us are horny Italians. How come there’s no informercial for these demonstrating how they get the tits in the ronis? And no one in the world can dispute me in saying that this is clearly a bootleg illustration of Gloria Trillo on the box. BOOM. All I know is that this pasta needs to be made with some tender love and care. Chef Boyardee needs to buy the rights to Titaroni and market them to kids like Robin Arryn on Game of Thrones who are still breastfeeding well into their tweens. Come to think of it, maybe Robin Arryn needs The BIG Sipper? Perfect way for Lysa to wean him off the teat!

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Not buying the “Hanging out in Atlantic City” glass may be my biggest regret of the trip. I’m sure I’ll be back in A.C soon enough, so I’ll remember to pick one up.

Would someone just please go and buy up all this shit finally and put it out of its misery? Thanks for reading and come back soon for Part 2 to read about the rest of our star spangled getaway to Atlantic City!

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Summer: Pencil It In!

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As a kid, summers were an endless series of cool events.

In the summer, I felt like I was some kind of upper crust businessman like Bruce Wayne, only elementary school aged, and I was like “What event do I have tonight Alfred?” Only I was actually talking to my mom and she was like “Get out of the pool and get ready, we’re going to Wildwood.” Throwing a tantrum about getting out of the pool to prepare for rides, games, and ice cream was just not good form.

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I’d wake up bright eyed each day mulling over the excitement that I’d get into during the morning and afternoon and then like some sort of pseudo jet-setter, pondered what kind of shenanigans I’d be caught up in during the long summer night where I longed for the excitement I saw in After Hours and Into the Night. Some nights wound up being fairly comparable actually. A typical agenda might start out with breakfast and some cartoons, a leisurely bike ride around town, then a swim to cool off. Maybe a little action figure time to follow. Lunch was accompanied by game shows and reruns of Three’s Company, Brady Bunch, and Gilligan’s Island to name a few. The night? Forget about it – too many possibilities to even list here. Subconsciously I crammed in as much as possible.

When I was young it felt like the summer encompassed half the year. I really savored each day. The key was not paying attention to what day it was, because anytime I kept an eye on that calendar, the quicker the days started to dwindle down. Next thing you know, the back to school phase would set in, a period of time for me that was always in conflict in my brain. The lock-up of opposing mental forces was invigorating; it was like a grudge match between being extremely uneasy about the unknown circumstances of a new school year and the outrageous feeling of positivity that came from thinking that this year could be my best yet.

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SPLATT! Squash that idea like a fly immediately. It was best not to think about school in the summer. Onto more important things like how else can I squeeze the most out of the remaining summer days? Some days would be filled with swimming, blasting music from my white boombox, hours of Sega Master System, and playing Batman with my friend and his brother while other days would be sprawled out on the couch in the air conditioning watching Friday the 13th movies and The Goonies and sipping iced tea while a crazy thunderstorm made my day absolutely perfect. Staying up late consisted of reading comics, snacking, and falling asleep while watching stuff like Tales from the Darkside and WWF tapes.

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The summer season usually kicked off with a family trip to the boardwalk in Point Pleasant. Then sprinkled throughout the rest of the season we’d spend a sweltering day in New York City, a day of insanity on our friend’s Slip and Slide, pool parties, Yankees games, Keansburg, Medieval Times, Fireworks displays, and a day on my Uncle’s boat. One thing is for sure, summer trips and excursions were spread over the course of the season as intricately as peanut butter on Wonder Bread.

Nowadays, it seems like we have to condense all of the traditional summer events into one long weekend.

With the daily work grind, vacation days have to be meticulously decided upon and what they will be used for is usually contemplated well in advance. It really sucks that the spontaneity that was the foundation of our summers of yore is virtually non-existent in our adult life. The entire game is less about all the cool stuff we’re actually doing in the moment, but more about worrying if we’ll be able to fit all of it in i.e “I don’t know if we’ll have time” like Frank “The Tank” Ricard said in Old School.

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At some point you just got to say F it and have some booze and unhealthy snacks (read more about them here) and watch It Follows on your iPhone in the hotel room…twice. It’s summer, so you’ve got to squeeze in as much as possible, just remember to enjoy it all. That’s precisely what we did on our most recent trip.

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The July 4th weekend started a couple of days early for us. The night before heading down to AC, we decided it was a perfect time for Six Flags Great Adventure. I have some of the best memories of summers (and Falls) at Six Flags Great Adventure. Even though we have season passes, the place gets so packed when kids are off from school that we’re lucky if we squeeze in two visits randomly throughout the summer. This time around we hit it right on the nose and there were virtually no lines. We rode in the first row of Green Lantern, then went on Superman, took a brief respite on the Skyway to take in the park from above, and then our favorite ride, Nitro – twice! It was pretty awesome, and unplanned, which was the best part.

The next day we drove down to Atlantic City for our Independence Day getaway. This is where I will say…

TO BE CONTINUED! Thank you for reading and be back soon to join us on our next adventure!

15 BEST POSTS OF 2013!

Originally, this look back at The Sexy Armpit’s best posts of 2013 was only going to include 10 links. I couldn’t help it, so now you get a whopping number of bonus links! I upped it to 15 best posts because I felt there were a lot of milestones this year for the site. Happy New Year to you and your family and I look forward to more Sexy Armpit shenanigans in 2014! As always, thank you for reading!

Transformers and New Jersey – I bet ya didn’t know!
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/01/transformers-robots-in-new-jersey-part.html

Bates Motel’s Vera Farmiga Became a Garden State Playmate
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/03/vera-farmiga-is-marchs-garden-state.html

Jay Mohr was so excited to see that someone wanted him to be in a Batman film that he retweeted
this post and brought it an insane amount of readers! Thanks Jay!
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/08/why-jay-mohr-should-play-riddler.html

Man of Steel hit the big screen and in honor of it, The Sexy Armpit celebrated his Super-memories
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-sexy-superman-celebration.html

5 Failed Jersey Devil Projects on Kickstarter
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/09/5-failed-jersey-devil-projects-on.html

My First Mission as a Pint-Sized Ghostbuster
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/10/my-first-mission-as-pint-sized.html

Reminiscing about memories of young love at Six Flags Great Adventure
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/10/hopped-up-on-halloween-fright-fest.html

Made a second online comic book using photos of my action figures. Sounds simple, but it’s a lot more complicated then you would think. The first one I did involved SPOCK. This one focuses on Bill and Ted and their Excellent Weird New Jersey Adventure!
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/10/bill-and-teds-weird-new-jersey-adventure.html

We dressed up as Prime Evil and JEM for Halloween in 2013
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/10/halloween-2013-prime-evil-and-jem.html

All about Goosebumps Artist Tim Jacobus
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/10/it-came-from-new-jersey-by-goosebumps.html

First time taking part in Shit Movie Fest’s 25 Days of Shitmas!
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/12/just-friends-25-days-of-shitmas.html

Covering the FIRST EVER Bizarre AV Horror convention!
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/12/bizarre-ac-expo-2013-recap-part-2.html

Our 2013 Halloween Special was a lot of fun to make and it’s equally as fun to watch.
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-sexy-armpit-halloween-special-2013.html

Recapping the BEST and most historic Monster Mania of all time, not because of the guests who appeared there, but because it was an impromptu meeting of the minds. Plus Freddy and The Joker.
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/08/mother-fn-monster-mania-recap-august.html

An entire lifetime of being a WWE fan summed up right here. I reported WRESTLEMANIA 29 via live blogging for NJ.com and it was a few of the greatest days of my life/career. Not only did it get a lot awesome feedback, but to top it all off, my article was shown on MONDAY NIGHT RAW the very next night!
http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2013/03/wrestlemania-week-begins.html

What I Got For Christmas: 2013 Edition

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The years of wondering why Santa didn’t bring me something I asked him for are long gone. Back then, I made it known once Christmas was over that I still wanted that one specific thing or multiple things that weren’t under the tree on Christmas morning and it became my mission to get them. 
For the past several years, with the magic of Amazon and other online stores, I usually wind up buying more shit the day after Christmas then I did before and during the season, but only online. I really wouldn’t set foot in a store on the 26th, especially in Jersey – where our new state motto is “Where EVERYONE Comes to Shop.” With the ease of finding and buying things on the Internet, there’s rarely anything I can think of that I absolutely want for Christmas. If I’m buying crap all year long, chances are, as the Joker said in the ’89 Batman, I “…bought it already.”
I provided no actual wish-list to anyone this year. There’s a ongoing one in my head, of course. Usually I like to post my wish list, so maybe I’ll follow this up with a “What I Didn’t Get For Christmas” post. For now though, let’s take a look at all the cool stuff that Santa, Miss Sexy Armpit, and the rest of my family, loved ones, and friends gave to me for Christmas. Keep in mind that I won’t touch on every single thing because that would be boring and excessively long.

Pictured above, you’ll see a pair of socks. Socks are just something that I never look at as a good Christmas gift, but you slap a Batman logo on them and their very own cape, suddenly Miss Sexy Armpit sees them as a “Jay” gift. Then we have a Superman travel case and a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka. On the right we have Man of Steel on blu-ray as well as a WWE  Rumblers pack, which I picked up for myself, including Randy Savage and CM Punk.
I also bought the New Jersey View Master set from the late ’50s for myself on eBay. If I remember correctly it was only $6 bucks and it’s in mint condition.
Turning your attention to that awesome Monster High doll in the back, it’s Elissabat! From what I read about the news at SDCC and saw in person at NYCC, technically, Elissbat was slated for a Spring 2014 release. She started appearing on shelves in Canada during late November and then different parts of the country, but I personally still haven’t seen her anywhere yet. I don’t have the patience to search shelves and drive all over creation for a doll, so if I can get it on ebay without all the fuss, that’s what I do – and did. The elusive Elissabat is now mine!
If you don’t think I’m a full-on female at this point, there’s a Misfit in the back too! It’s Stormer. Miss Sexy Armpit knows that I take my women like I take my Misfits – with a rotten attitude and blue hair. 

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I’m a fan of Pocky, but I couldn’t find the Green Tea flavor so I ordered a box online at what I think may be 3 times the price. Warning to you: if you like Strawberry or Chocolate Pocky – the Green Tea Version is for Green Tea lovers only. Joker wanted some Pocky while Clarence was mesmerized by Elvira’s boobs.
As stated, some of these items were purchases from The Sexy Armpit to myself. C’mon, tell me you don’t buy yourself at least one gift for every three you buy for others? Isn’t that the unwritten rule? How else would we ease the stress from all the traffic and bickering and LINES?

Bouncin’ Babes Elvira was something I bought because well, I love Elvira. It actually was pretty cheap too. I think it was $12 bucks. The one bad thing about it is that she doesn’t stand up properly. It’s as if she’s permanently hunched over. Maybe that’s why it was marked down.

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During one of my shopping excursions, I went to a local dollar store. There really is so much garbage in those stores. That’s not to say you can’t get a few good buys here and there, but overall they are a total wasteland. Did I need all these DC universe figures? No, but I bought them anyway.

These miniature DC Universe, um, let’s call them “plastic statues,” were deceiving. They immediately reminded me of the die-cast Batman and DC line of figures by Ertl that were available in the ’90s, only they were clearly NOT die-cast.

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Batman and The Joker are worth owning because they look halfway decent, but the rest of them are pretty hideous. The paint jobs are f*cking shit. Superman has a receding hairline, Flash needs a knee cane to hold himself up in his running stance, Green Lantern looks like he rolled around in a Chinchilla dust bowl for 6 1/2 hours then decided to cozy back up into his blister pack.
As it always is, the photos of the figures on the back of the package look amazingly vibrant and detailed. Notice there’s 3 versions of Batman. Even for a dollar each, we know who’s really bringing home the bacon at DC.

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When the holidays aren’t causing upheaval to normal routines, I’m usually able to get to the gym a couple of times a week. It’s not as much as I’d like, but it’s something. I’m hoping this FitBit helps motivate me for more exercise. I just have to beat The Flashes to it. Thanks Miss Sexy Armpit!

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Appearing in this last collage, you’ll see a giant Dressed to Kill era Mego Style Gene Simmons doll. I preordered this guy a while ago and he arrived in time for Christmas. It’s the type of doll a KISS fan only dreamed about since 1975. Considering that I dress in this style often, it’s pretty special. He now hangs on my living room wall beside the giant Hotter Than Hell era Gene Simmons doll that I got a few years ago.

Underneath the debonair Gene Simmons doll, there’s an awesome Archie Hot Wheels. This is the Betty and Veronica 1940 Ford Coupe. It’s highly possible I’ll be looking out for a few of the others in this set.

It turns out that Batman was fascinated with the stupid magic towel that I bought at the dollar store. Scooby Doo and a Tiki statue were enough to sell me on it. If you had the ability to manufacture and sell a product that was virtually MAGIC…there’s almost zero chance that it wouldn’t be a TOWEL, right? For human beings, this is a wash cloth sized towel, and for Hodor from Game of Thrones, it might as well be a speck of toilet tissue he dabs onto a nick on his face after shaving. It would seriously be magic if the contents of a package this small could turn into a full size body towel. That’d be some serious Shazam shit right there. Can you think of anything more un-fun for a child than a dried up towel that takes literally 7 minutes to actually become a friggin’ towel?
After waiting basically an entire year and dealing with a lot of crap from Digital River, Castle Grayskull was delivered a couple of weeks before Christmas. It definitely wasn’t an impulse buy that’s for sure. I even bought a shelf (a.k.a throne) to majestically display it on.

In addition to all the stuff pictured, I got a new set of luggage, a Superman hoodie, and gift cards to iTunes, Amazon, and Starbucks among other things. I appreciate all the gifts I received this year and I thank everyone for an awesome Christmas! I hope you enjoyed your holidays as well!

Nom Nom Nom On Our Ninth Birthday!

What better way to spend The Sexy Armpit’s 9th birthday than with my peeps? Or better yet…my new Peep.
Can you remember the last time a limited time product disappointed you? It’s a familiar case. I’m trying to think about it myself and there’s been a ton of times I’ve gotten my hopes up about a crazy flavored limited time only soda or Elvis Reese’s and was ultimately deflated after finally tasting it, but one specific time comes to mind, and it’s not even a really good example, it’s just the most recent one. 
I picked this off the Mint Chocolate Marshmallow Tree Tree, 
which is located directly behind the lunch pail tree
It’s even more of a drag when you search every shelf in every grocery store within a 50 mile radius, and even encounter difficulty ordering it online. The last time this happened to me was a true blunder in my life. What’s depressing is the amount of time I spend doing these stupid things. I must’ve checked eight or ten stores trying to find these dumbass Bubble Gum Peeps when they came out. It felt like at least 94% of the people I follow on Instagram were acting like they were available at every corner store. Regardless, I was still bent on tasting them. Finally I pulled a Dinosaur Dracula and paid about triple what one normally would pay for a package of Peeps, and the result was the same as it usually is. Bubble Gum Peeps were awful and they didn’t have a good bubble gum flavor. That’s sort of an unfair review because I am not a fan of Peeps in general, but I may be changing my ways considering how I felt about the newest Peep I picked up over the weekend.

For some weird reason, through the years at this blog I’ve often found myself reviewing marshmallow filled chocolate things. Sometimes they were Easter Bunnies, other times they were Santas or reindeer. I guess I really dig anthropomorphic or zoomorphic chocolate covered marshmallows and mushiness.

This shade of marshmallow should become standard for Christmas style marshmallows
Oh, you actually wanted to hear my thoughts on the Mint Chocolate Peep? Well, the chocolate coating was standard fare and once I tore it open, I saw an extremely holiday looking green colored marshmallow filling. I usually prefer a milder green to signify mint, such as the mellow green you may know from such hits as Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream., but this green was awesome and over the top. My holiday spirit isn’t kicked into full gear yet, but this green gooey delicacy offered a complete lack of subtly, which is usually the precise definition of my holiday season.
Unlike other regular Peeps and even Moon Pies, the marshmallow inside this one was actually moist and sort of creamy rather than having the consistency of Styrofoam. Overall, the taste was sweet but not sickeningly sweet and the mint wasn’t overpowering. I really didn’t have any complaints here except for the fact that I only bought one.
So how was that for killing two birds with one stone? A Sexy Armpit birthday party AND a review of a holiday themed candy. I hope you appreciate my efficiency!

Fall in New Jersey by Nick "N.J" Holden

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Our featured writer Nick “N.J” Holden ushers us into the fall:
Put the cover over the pool and say goodbye to the hot sunny days
When time slowed to a snail’s pace and five minutes alone
Floating on an inflatable raft took all your troubles away.
Here come all the lovely colors from the trees crashing down
Painting the grass orange, yellow, and crimson here and there
While the cold fall winds begin to come around.
Get off the beach and dusk off the backpack
And time to splurge on new clothes, books and stuff
All the while wishing the summer would hurry back.
Forget the long leisurely breakfasts and time to spare
In the morning; get ready to fight traffic on the roads and those
Stupid drivers who seem to have no worry or care.
Pack up the bathing suits, towels, and the barbecue grill
And bring on the Halloween costumes and other festivities
As we wait the other holidays that test our pockets and good will.
Hopefully the fall will be free of rain and other headaches
Because once it leaves us and winter charges in
There’s all this wicked snow for Goodness sake.
But don’t worry; all in good time
We’ll be sweating again down in Seaside
And not worrying about all these rhymes!